What if you’ve already found what your searching for?

For me sport activities at school and club level were rather painful. I don’t know why I put myself in the same place every day but I did. I was always last picked for the team during sport classes whether it be softball or football or anything else. In club sport I sat on the bench and watched others play with that small glimmer of hope I would be put on the field some time soon.

I’m not the most coordinated; but I paid my money so why can’t I play? I will never forget the year that my name was left out of the year book and when I raised the issue I was told that it wasn’t a big deal. Why then did I put myself in the same place day after day, year after year?

Because I like many others feed off of the desire to be with others, to interact, to have that friend you can hang out with. I dreamt that this would happen one day. Most people in my life came and went, I knew sometimes it was my fault but didn’t know why. I was that weird kid who sat in the library reading encyclopedias or took naps in the music room at lunch.

Many years on I look back at these thoughts and while some stay in my head, I’ve reached the point that I’ve realized I can’t change them and if I could, why would I?

My experiences are what have made me and I still seek out where I belong, I have started to ask why I am still out seeking, what if I have already found the place?

I have found one place where I have truly come into my own. My quirks are celebrated and I am free.

I quite often still sit and watch others desperately wanting to do what they do, I get sad for a while but I try not to envelope my self in this sadness but to grasp that thought with both hands and use it to give my feet that boost, that passion and that rekindling of wanting to be MY best.

While I love learning skills and challenging myself; I am finding my true passion lies in a different area.

That moment where I can kneel down and reach my hand out to that child, that child that is shy, scared and down on themselves. That child that has been trodden on, told they can’t do something because they don’t fit because of their disability or simply because they are larger, slower or shyer then others. That is why I get so upset when I hear children bullying others, saying things that makes that child doubt the possibilities.

When I can stand next to a child as they struggle to place their feet on the trapeze or hook their knees, that scariness when they let go for the first time. It turns to joy when their hands slide up the ropes and they sit up with a big satisfied grin on their face and delightfully exclaim “I did it”

That is when I close my eyes and say to to myself “this is where I’m meant to be”

life is full of contradictionsnichole roll 1st time

4 thoughts on “What if you’ve already found what your searching for?

  1. I’m enjoying your blog aspie circus girl. There were two things that stood out for me in this post and I wondered how much they had to do with our share experience of girl guiding. These were the notion of “MY best” and “challenging myself”. I’d be interested to know whether you think girl guiding influenced these values for you as I know it did for me. I think what stands out through all your posts is your persistence to enjoy life and live it the fullest no matter the challenges that cross your path, and also how you use these challenges and achievements to help others.

    • As you may or may not know girl guides has always been a huge part of my life, from when I made my promise at 7 (20 yrs ago !). Through having gone through all stages and onto leading I have learnt many valuable lessons in life, many I did not realise I had learnt till I needed them. Even though I am not able to be part of an active unit, I love being part of an active Olave program, Lones has been a challenge for me in itself and I have struggled with going from running 3 units to not seeing the girls in the units I am involved in. When I travel I try hard to visit the unit in the town we are in and have made some awesome friends on my travels through guiding.

      When a problem presents itself we have really 2 choices, to dwell on it and let it get us down or to actively work on a solution and use it as a lesson to us.

  2. Really beautifully put! You are very fortunate to have the opportunities and the wherewithal to pursue them. It is tough being an outsider sometimes, but the rewards are great, especially if you are able to impart what you have learned to others.

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