Laying here listening to my music on my phone this morning, I place it onto shuffle (which means it picks songs at random from my music albums to play), one song starts and if I don’t like it or simply feel that’s not what I’m in the mood for this morning I hit the next song button, sometimes forwarding a few times. Then I get to one song I really like and I’ll restart it and replay it multiple times before moving on, until suddenly I feel my head starting to explode and I need to press the pause button and pull out the headphones, needing to breath and recollect myself.
This I feel is how my brain works. Throughout a typical day in my life, especially one that I am constantly around people my brain fills with so much information that just sits there, gathered in a list all together, uncategorized, unlabeled. I allow things into my mind that isn’t exactly healthy for it, people’s judgments, negative thoughts about myself, frustrations from not being able to do something and such, then I also try load into it the happy things, my joy at finally nailing that trapeze trick I’ve been working on for month, the happiness I feel when one of my kids nails something, that sheer joy I get when they get my attention to show me something.
This all molds together on one playlist, one that is growing and growing and suddenly my brain stops collecting that information, it will shut down or explode and that is when I need to just take a break, walk out of the room or go for a walk around the showground. I am lucky that I am starting to be able to pick up on my own cues for when I am hitting overload, it use to just erupt like a highly volatile volcanic eruption. I am also lucky I have people who understand this.
When I get to that space I pause my life, letting it all go into shutdown mode, relax and let it all restart for the moment while I try to make sense of it all, I struggle quite often to sleep at night as my brain is processing everything and it’s difficult, my body is wrecked but my brain is like “Hey lets party!”
Then it starts all over again, but I enjoy it, I enjoy the busyness of my mind and of my life, I enjoy being wrecked at the end of the day, now if my brain and body could sync it would all be perfect….